SIZE MATTERS
by phantomoftheopera111
Summary: Story 73. Dick had Wally and Roy over to have a "friendly" tennis competition against Alfred and Tim. Rated M for all the swearing.


Yay for correct grammar! There might be more things in this story readers will not understand because they were said/done in other stories that I have not posted. For this, I am sorry.

(This was also written before all this crap happened in the DCU. I.e. after that Cry for Justice bullshite.)

Enjoy!

* * *

SIZE MATTERS

* * *

Dick tapped his racket on the cement floor of the patio.

Tim frowned and looked at Dick, "Dude. Stop that."

Dick stopped and looked at Tim, "Oh. Is it my fault I'm excited?"

"Yes," Tim growled crossing his arms and looking away.

Dick grumbled to himself and sat down on the patio floor. He pulled his iPhone out of his front pocket and looked at the time. It was 11:00. They were late.

Tim looked at Dick, "If they don't show in less than a minute I'm going inside."

"To do what? Look at boobs?"

Tim glared at Dick and said nothing.

Alfred opened the sliding glass door, "Master Richard, Master Timothy, would you care for lunch?"

"No thanks, Alfred," Dick sighed.

"Maybe later," Tim replied.

Alfred nodded, "I will have lunch ready for you all."

"Thanks," Dick frowned.

"Your friends are slackers," Tim replied.

Dick rolled his eyes, "Look, its Roy and Wally. They have no sense of time."

"Roy has no sense at all."

"Quiet," Dick warned.

Tim got up from the reclined chair, "I'm leaving."

"Tim…" Dick complained, "Why are you so stubborn?"

"I have better things to do than wait around here for your friends to show up so we can play tennis."

"It's more of an excuse to get my friends, who I haven't seen for almost a month, and we can get together and have some fun."

"Go to a strip club."

"Linda would kill Wally if he got caught in a strip club."

"Is that why he didn't go to Ollie's bachelor party?"

Dick sighed, "We didn't do anything for the party. But later that night Roy, me, and a few others guys paid for a few more strippers and we partied."

"Was that the night you just wasted?"

"I was slightly tipsy."

"No, you were drunk."

"I don't get drunk."

"Oh contraire, Grayson, you were about to tap dance on the ledge of the 20th story window. You were a little more than tipsy," Roy grinned leaning against the side of the mansion.

"Nice of your to join us. Took you long enough," Dick smirked.

"I was busy," Roy shrugged.

"Doing what? Getting laid by twins?" Tim asked.

"Ha. You're funny, Little Bird."

"No it was only funny when we walked into the conference room to tell you the party was over and you were blinded, bound, naked, and robbed."

"That was not funny," Roy snarled.

Dick grinned, "It was kinda funny."

"Shut up or I'll go home."

"Fine. Where's Wally?"

"I couldn't get a hold of him."

Tim crossed his arms, "Can I go?"

"No, sit down," Dick snapped.

"If necessary we can get Alfred to be your partner until Wally shows up."

"Wait," Roy pouted, "I wanted to be on Tim's team and you were going to be partners with Wally."

"Wrong," Tim snapped, "I can stand Wally."

Roy growled, "So not cool."

"Alfred?" Dick called into the house.

Alfred appeared in the kitchen doorway, "Yes, Master Richard?"

"Can you be Tim's partner? Wally still isn't here…"

Alfred looked out on the patio and smiled at Roy, "Master Roy, it is a pleasure to see you again."

"Hey, Alfred, how're you?"

"I am fine, thank you. How are you?"

"I'm doing well. JLA is keeping me busy whenever I'm not home."

"And how is Miss Lian?"

"Aw, Lian's great. If she tried hard enough she could become the Flash one day."

Dick smirked, "Don't tell Wally that. He has great expectations for his kids."

"Yeah… that'll go well with Batman."

Dick grinned, "Ok, let's play."

"Let me go get into some more comfortable clothing," Alfred replied closing the door behind him.

"I want Alfred on my team…" Roy grumbled.

"Hey," Dick pouted, "That hurts me."

"I love you. It's just Alfred is amazing."

"Whatever. Did you bring a racket?"

"Damn it. I knew I forgot something…"

"How exactly did you get here?" Tim asked.

"I have a transporter in my house," Roy explained, "I teleported."

"I want a transporter…"

Dick smirked, "Ok, let's head up to the courts."

Roy punched Tim in the shoulder, "Race ya."

"I'm not that immature."

"Last one there gets to lick my arrows," Roy snickered.

Dick began running after Roy.

"He's only kidding, right?" Tim shouted.

"No!" Roy yelled back.

Tim sighed and began running to catch up with the two.

Dick ran into the gate of the courts first, followed by Roy, then eventually Tim.

Roy sighed, "Do I get a racket?"

Dick walked over to the miniature shed. He entered the password code and opened the door. He walked out with a racket and a hopper of tennis balls.

"Alfred and I are going to kick your guys' asses," Tim sneered, stretching his hamstring.

"You keep telling yourself that, Tim," Dick rolled his eyes.

"You're going down," Roy added.

"Alfred is a tennis pro. Who do you think taught, Bruce, Dick, and me to play?"

Roy looked at Dick and shrugged.

Tim looked at Roy, "Those sunglasses make you look gay."

"Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, blue is not your color."

Tim glared at Roy. He pulled his shirt up and over his head.

Roy frowned, "Dude, where is your hair?"

Tim began to slightly blush.

Dick nudged Roy in the ribs, "Be nice."

"I'm just wondering… I had hair since I was 10."

"Bet that was a rough year for you," Tim snapped.

"Shut up."

Dick started stretching against the tennis net, "When was the last time you played, Roy?"

"Few years ago."

"Shit. I want Tim on my team."

"Too damn bad," Roy growled.

"This'll be a good game then," Dick noted.

"I must agree, Master Richard."

"You ready, Alfred?"

"Master Richard, I was born ready."

Alfred was wearing black shorts, a white shirt, sweatbands, and branded tennis shoes.

Roy and Dick gaped at their opponent.

"Shit…" Roy frowned.

Dick nudged him, "Don't swear, when he hears you swear he makes you put it in the jar."

"You guys have a jar?"

"Shut up."

"That's so lame…"

"Shut up, Roy," Tim grumbled.

Roy smirked and nudged Dick in the back with his racket, "Let's show them who's boss."

"You aren't talking about yourself are you, Harper?" Tim asked.

"Shut it, Tim."

Dick bounced the ball and few times and grinned at Roy, "Please no comments?"

"Like what? About your tennis balls?"

"Yes, that's exactly it… you have no respect, do you?"

"You've seen how Ollie and I talk right?"

"I don't see any talking," Tim spoke up, "All I see is a bunch of testosterone punching another bag of testosterone around the floor to wear off some sexual tension."

Roy looked at Dick, "How durable are these rackets?"

"Tim," Dick warned, "Knock that off."

Dick served the ball and Alfred whipped it back, hitting Roy directly in the arm.

"Sweet Jesus!" Roy cried dropping his racket.

Dick gaped at Roy who had dropped to his knees.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir!" Alfred called over the net, covering his mouth.

"Oh shit, Grayson! I think he's laughing!"

Dick frowned and helped Roy back up, "He is."

"Oh shit…"

Dick stood back in his serving box and took a deep breath, "Little slower, Alfred?"

"That's what she said…" Roy grumbled.

Dick smirked and served the ball again. Alfred gently returned it and they started a slow rally. The rally was stopped when Alfred ran up to the next and spiked it down at Roy's feet. Roy screamed as the ball grazed his shoulder.

Dick gaped at Alfred, "Hey, Alfred?"

"Yes, Master Richard?"

"Where did you learn to play?"

"Oh I used to train with a few ladies."

"Where?" Roy cried.

"I believe it was called Wimbledon."

"Oh Jesus... Grayson! You're such an idiot!"

"I didn't know!" Dick yelled.

Roy sniffed and slowly moved back to his box, "I hate you so much."

Dick sighed and served it again. Alfred gently returned it, but this time it was Tim who spiked it down in Dick's court.

Dick jumped into the air and tried to return the ball. He missed and ended up falling backwards.

"OH SHIT!" Dick cried as he hit the ground.

Roy put his hands up over his head dropping his racket, "I'm done!"

Dick slowly pushed himself up and moaned. He watched as Alfred and Tim pounded it.

Roy crouched down next to Dick, "We should forfeit."

Dick frowned, "Wow, that wouldn't stop Tim's insults at all."

Roy exhaled, "You're right. We have to fight. Get up."

Dick groaned and lay back down.

"How're you doing, Dick?" Tim called.

Dick stumbled back up to his feet and glared at their opponents.

"I believe you have one more serve, Master Richard."

Dick looked over at Roy.

"Serve it up his ass," Roy growled.

Dick power served it past Alfred's feet.

Roy gaped at Dick, "Why didn't you do that before?"

"I didn't feel that competitive before…"

"Well get your game face on, and let's kick some ass."

* * *

Roy fell to his knees, dramatically, as the ball shot past him again. Dick walked over to Roy and fell down next to him.

"I hate you," Roy sighed.

"I know."

"We are losing. To a little kid and an old man."

"I know."

"This is humiliating."

"I know."

"We are having our asses handed to us. On one of Alfred's silver serving trays."

"I know."

"No, Dick, this… this is worse than Ollie kicking my ass."

"I know."

"No, this is worse than getting my ass kicked by Dinah."

"I know."

"Grayson, I'm going to whip you in the face with this racket if you don't stop saying that."

"I know… I mean! I'm sorry!"

Roy growled and flopped onto his back. Dick lowered himself to the ground and rested his head on Roy's chest.

"Are we taking a break?" Tim asked.

"Yes," Dick snapped.

"Cool."

"I shall go make some sandwiches," Alfred smiled at Tim.

"Thanks, Alfred," Tim grinned.

Dick looked up at Roy, "Should we call Wally?"

"I'm gonna whip that bitch in the face when he shows up."

"Ok…"

"Are you guys done with your gay moment down there?"

"Shut the hell up, Drake!" Roy yelled causing Dick to jump.

Tim rolled his eyes and headed into the shed to get out of the sun.

Dick sighed and pulled his phone out of his shorts. He searched through his contacts and pressed Wally's home phone.

There was a gust of wind and suddenly Wally was sitting next to Dick on the floor.

Roy opened his eyes, "You're in deep shit."

Dick hung up the phone, "Roy said he was gonna bitch slap you."

"Racket whip you in the face," Roy corrected.

Wally sighed, "I know, I know. I'm sorry."

"Where were you?" Dick asked.

"I was kind of… tied up."

"With what?" Roy asked.

"I was tied up."

Dick rolled his eyes, "We got that. With what?"

"No. I was literally tied up in bed and Linda was…" Wally stopped when he saw Roy and Dick's face, "What?"

"Linda had you tied up?" Roy asked.

"Yeah… she was kind of pissed and she ended up tying me to the bed frame… and she left me there…"

"Wow," Dick frowned.

"Look, not everyone was trained to be an escape artist," Wally grumbled pulling his long legs to his chin.

Roy frowned, "You were getting laid and you left?"

"I wasn't getting laid, I was getting punished."

"For what?"

"Uh…"

"What'd you do?"

"Stuff."

Roy rolled his eyes, "Stuff is the shit I throw in my closet. What'd you do?"

Wally rubbed his neck, "Well, last night Linda and I were…"

Dick and Roy had their sole attention focused on Wally.

"Do I have to tell you?" Wally frowned.

"Yes," both Dick and Roy cried.

Wally sighed, "So I um… got home sort of really late and I was, um... so we started doing eh… what we normally do. And we started having sex and I… do I have to continue? I don't enjoy talking about sex like Roy."

Roy shrugged, "I'm gonna avoid that comment, but yes, you do have to continue."

Dick shifted on Roy and draped his legs over Roy's.

Roy looked at him, "You have no problem being gay do you?"

"I'm very open," Dick laughed.

"Huh… anyways, continue, West."

Wally sighed, "So I did that… thing…"

"What thing?" Dick asked.

"The… thing…"

Roy sighed, "That's not gonna help us."

Wally rested his hands on Dick and Roy's arms. He sighed and amped up his hand molecules creating a quick vibration.

Roy pulled his arm away, "Oh damn!"

Dick laughed, "Do it again!"

Wally frowned and put his arms back on his legs, "So anyways, I was doing that and I accidentally grabbed myself and Linda and we both sort of… and we began screaming. Jai and Iris heard and came running down the hall. I forgot to lock the door when I came home and the kids burst into the room… and well, they saw us."

Roy started laughing, "Ow!"

"And that's why Linda was mad?" Dick asked.

"Yeah," Wally sighed, "She had to explain that daddy was not hurting mommy and what exactly we were doing."

"Damn," Roy frowned, "Even I haven't gotten that far with Lian."

Dick frowned, "I'm concerned, Roy. How much did you tell Lian?"

"She only found a few things out. When Mia was watching her a few months ago, they were filling my condoms with water and when I came home they threw them at me."

"Wow," Wally grimaced.

"Not my fault Mia's such a perv."

Dick smirked, "Roy, did you have to talk to Lian."

"Well yeah! As soon as I got home they launched them at me then Mia ran off and went home. Lian wanted to know why these water balloons were all slimy! And NO they were NOT used. They're lubricated."

Dick laughed, "Ew… TMI."

"Anyways. Now she knows where the condoms go and what they're used for."

"Good God," Wally laughed.

"Did you use correct names?" Dick asked.

"I had to. I don't want my baby to learn anything wrong."

"I applaud you," Dick smirked.

"Yeah, get off if you're gonna be an ass," Roy smirked shoving Dick off his chest.

Dick sighed and punched Roy in the injured shoulder.

Roy pulled away and let out a cry, "NO! Ow…"

Wally sighed, "That reminds me, how's the game?"

"Oh," Dick growled, "Because you didn't show up we had to recruit Alfred to play as Tim's partner. Well guess what! Alfred played at Wimbledon! You wanna give another guess back how well this is going?"

"How bad are you losing?" Wally asked.

"We've lost the past four games," Roy grumbled.

"Ouch. Is Little Bird really that good?"

"We both learned from Alfred," Dick explained.

"Then why aren't you as good as him?" Wally asked.

"Ouch," Roy snickered.

Dick kicked Roy in the kneecap.

"Ouch!" Roy yelled.

"Shut up."

"Fine," Roy whimpered.

Dick got up and grabbed a stray tennis ball. He chucked it as hard as he could at the shed window.

Tim ran out of the shed, yelling, "Something's trying to get me!"

Dick pinched the bridge of his nose.

Roy stood up and put a hand on Dick's shoulder, "We should forfeit."

Dick shrugged him off and crossed his arms.

Tim walked over to the boys, "Hey, Wally."

"What's up, Tim?" Wally asked, grinning and pounding knuckles with Tim.

Dick glared at Wally. Wally pouted and shrunk behind Roy.

Tim leaned against the fence, "So are you my new partner?"

"No," Dick snapped.

"I can live with that," Tim grinned, "Alfred and I can kick your asses."

"Three against two doesn't seem fair," Wally frowned.

"West, shut the hell up before I shove this racket up your goody two shoes ass," Roy mumbled.

Wally crossed his arms and looked at Dick, "Want me to go get Alfred?"

"Be careful with my winning teammate," Tim chimed.

Wally ran off to the house and came back in less than a second with a rather shocked looking Alfred.

Tim looked at Alfred, "Let me check if my winning partner is in pristine condition. You good, Alfred?"

"Indeed, Master Tim, rather shaken, but fine."

"That's how I like my martinis," Roy smirked.

Dick sighed and handed Wally a racket, "Let's just play."

Tim and Alfred jogged to the opposite side of the court.

Roy cracked his neck, "Get your game face on, West."

Wally sighed, "You guys, I might be fast, but I really, really suck with hand-eye coordination."

Dick sighed, "Don't care. Just kick some ass."

"Spoken like a true Bat," Roy smirked, spinning his racket.

"Shut up, Harper," Dick snapped.

"Ladies," Tim called, "We ready?"

Dick crouched and glared across the net.

Roy pouted and made a silent prayer.

Wally smirked at his friends. How bad could it get?

* * *

Roy was lying on his back on the patio with an ice pack over his right eye. Dick was sitting next to him in a lawn chair with an ice pack on his ankle. Wally was on the other lawn chair admiring a welt growing on his stomach.

Tim walked out of the kitchen and tapped Roy on the shoulder.

"What?" Roy rasped, not opening his eyes.

"Here's your ice pack."

Roy held his hand out and took the ice pack Tim handed to him. Roy slowly moved the pack down and set it on his groin.

"How're you doing?" Tim asked.

"Fine."

"I'm really sorry…"

"No, no, no. It's fine."

Tim sighed and looked apologetically at Dick. Dick sighed and patted the seat of the lawn chair next to him. Tim walked over and sat down next to Dick.

Wally looked up, "Know what I'm thinkin'?"

"No, I don't," Dick sighed.

"Ok, so if I'm moving that fast away from the ball and the thing comes shooting at me, then this current welt is gonna leave one hell of a bruise."

Dick sighed, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't you, it was Alfred, and I love the man, and I'm not mad about this, it's just gonna hurt like a bitch."

"Even worse than it hurts now?' Roy asked.

"Yes."

"How're you holding up, Harper?" Dick asked.

Roy exhaled, "I'm happy I have Lian, because after this day I think I'm gonna be shooting blanks for the rest of my life."

Dick and Wally stifled their laughter and Tim's face grew a bit pale.

"I'm sorry, Roy…"

"Tim, its fine. How are you doing?"

"You missed me, so I'm good," Tim crossed his legs.

Dick picked up the bent racket with the snapped strings that Roy had thrown at Tim in sheer anger. Tim had jumped out of the way and the racket had crashed into the fence. At the same time, Tim had managed to heave his racket at Roy, having more luck than Roy and hit its target.

Roy sighed, "I'm not gonna be able to frickin' walk. I'm so screwed."

Wally smiled, "You have a lovely welt growing on your shoulder."

"Bite me."

Dick sighed and stroked the snapped racket, "Timmy, if Roy had actually hit you with this thing you'd be dead. Roy, were you aiming correctly?"

"Partially," Roy mumbled moving the ice pack from his eye, "How's my face."

"Jesus…" Wally whispered as the three stared at Roy's swollen face.

"Great. Now I'm ƒυĊкing sterile, I'm ƒυĊкing crippled, AND I'm one ugly mother ƒυĊкer."

Dick laughed, "I'm sorry…"

"It's not funny…" Roy cried.

"I know, I know."

Tim sighed, "I feel sad I don't have any battle wounds."

Dick tapped him on the head with the racket, "Feel better?"

"No…" Tim grumbled rubbing his head.

Alfred walked out onto the patio, "How are we holding up, gentlemen?"

He didn't receive coherent answers from any of the boys.

Alfred walked over to Roy, "Sir, how are you?"

"Alfred, I'm in a shit load of pain."

Dick and Tim cringed at the swear directed towards the Englishman.

"I am terribly, terribly sorry. I cannot explain my competitiveness when it comes to sports. Do you need anything? Advil? Water?"

"It's ok, Alfred," Roy smiled.

"Very good, sir."

"Actually, you Bat people you are always doing weird ass crap and surgery on each other and walking around on broken legs. Do you have pain killers?"

"Roy…" Dick frowned.

"Mild pain killers. I need something stronger than Advil."

"I can do that, sir," Alfred nodded, walking back into the house.

"I'm gonna be ƒυĊкing blind," Roy whimpered readjusting his facial ice pack.

Wally sighed, "Know what I remember from high school gym?"

"What now, Wally?' Dick asked in mock interest.

Wally stuck his tongue out at Dick and continued, "Parts of the tennis racket."

He took the wrecked racket from Tim. He pointed to the handle's end, "This is the butt. No joke."

Roy sat up to watch the demonstration, "ƒυĊкing pervert racket…"

Wally pointed to the handle, "This is just called the handle. Or grip."

Roy lay back down, "I thought this was gonna be good."

"Harper, you're three seconds off of having me shove this racket down your throat," Wally grumbled.

"Sorry."

Wally tapped the curved area between the handle and the open triangle shape on the racket, "This is the shaft."

Roy sat back up, "You have my attention."

"Yeah, I thought so."

Roy lifted the ice pack from his eyes to look at the tennis shaft, "That's small."

Dick sighed, "Really, Roy?"

"What? It's small. I bet Little Bird is better stacked than that."

Tim frowned.

"You're not?" Roy asked.

"No, it's just creepy…" Tim grumbled.

"What? That I think about other guys' dicks?"

"Yes," Wally spoke up.

"Says you."

"Shut up both of you," Dick growled, then grinned cheekily, "Besides, we all know who is the best stacked in this group."

"Oh! Shut. Up." Roy laughed sitting up.

Dick smirked, "You're mad because it's true."

Roy grinned, "Your bluffing."

"I'm not bluffing and I've seen you check me out in the Goddamn Titans locker room."

Roy sat back, "So?"

"I've looked too. I am the best stacked."

Wally smirked, "You and your immature comparing sizing."

"West is just jealous, too," Roy replied.

"Of course," Dick smiled.

Wally glared at them, "Aunt Iris always said if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. So I'm leaving it at that."

"Look at that," Roy sneered, "Kid still listens to his aunt."

Wally let out a muffled exasperated scream, "Roy, you infuriate me. Dick, give me that racket."

Dick sighed at Roy and handed Wally the racket.

Wally lay back in the chair and pulled the band of his basketball shorts out. Roy gaped at Wally and stared at Dick. Dick laughed at Roy's face and to Tim. Tim was going blind from how much he could see from his lawn chair seat.

Wally sighed, "We might need a ruler," he let his elastic band snap back, "But I can say I am much larger than this tennis shaft."

"Jesus," Roy murmured.

Wally handed the racket off to Dick.

Dick smirked, and sat back he lifted his shorts band and compared, "Yeah, same here."

Tim's left eye had begun twitching; he had never been around such open men.

"You ok, Little Bird?" Roy asked grinning.

Tim nodded slowly.

"Poor kid," Wally cooed.

Tim frowned at Wally, "Give me that racket."

Dick handed the racket off to Tim. Tim lifted up his waistband and measured up the racket size. He let the band snap back down and grinned.

"Shit, I don't like that look," Roy frowned.

"Want the racket, Harper?"

"Yes."

Tim tossed the racket to Roy. Roy sighed and lifted his waist band, "Jesus Christ!"

Dick laughed, "You ok?"

"I'm all swollen… oh my God… poor guy..."

Wally and Tim fell back in their chairs laughing.

Roy snickered, "Well, I win. God, that's so discolored…"

Dick laughed, "I'm tempted to come over and look…"

Roy grinned, "Do it."

"Agh!" Tim cried.

Dick jumped off his seat and limped over to Roy. Roy smirked and lifted his waistband.

"Oh shit!" Dick cried.

Wally jumped up, "I want to see…. OH! What the hell!"

Tim pinched the bridge of his nose, "You guys are so gay…"

"It's not gay," Dick shot back.

"Fine," Tim grumbled, "I sort of want to see."

Roy sighed and lifted his band again for Tim to see.

Tim jumped back, "Oh my God. I am gay. I've purposely looked at another man's dick."

Roy laughed, "We broke Tim."

"He's seen worse," Dick grumbled.

The four sat in a momentary awkward silence.

"We should all compare to see who actually is the length of a tennis racket," Roy piped.

Dick sighed, "Let's do it."

Wally smirked, "Ready to get your gay on, Tim?"

"Please don't talk to me," Tim sniffed, lying down on the pavement.

Dick laughed and rubbed Tim's shoulder, "Count of three?"

"One, two, three," Roy sped through the numbers and lifted his band with the two others.

"I don't think this is fair," Wally mumbled, "Harper's the size of a horse. Colored like one, too."

Roy punched Wally's thigh, "Shut up."

Alfred cleared his throat and all three elastic bands snapped back down. All three boys averted their eyes away from the stern and confused look on Alfred's face.

"Mister Harper, here are your pills."

"Thanks," Roy grumbled, taking the pills without looking up.

"Master Timothy, are you alright?" Alfred asked glancing at Tim lying on the floor with his hands over his face.

"Eventually I will be," Tim sniveled.

"Very good, then."

Alfred looked at Dick and Wally who had retreated to their lawn chairs. Dick had his eyes closed and his hands braided through his hair.

Alfred smiled and lifted the busted tennis racket from the floor. He stared at it for a second then held it down his thigh.

Wally, Roy, and Dick watched in horror. Tim opened his eyes to check why it was so silent, and deeply regretted it.

Alfred placed the racket on the table and turned to the awe stricken boys, "In a comparison I must say I am, as you young people say, well stacked."

Dick's right eye began twitching in repulsion.

Alfred turned to Roy, "Mister Harper, you owe the swear jar $50 dollars. I might be older but I am certainly not deaf."

Roy winced and shrunk down in his seat.

"If you need anything, do call," Alfred smiled at the boys and walked back inside the house.

Dick let out a wounded cry and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Grayson, d-did your grandpa just compare his… to a tennis racket…?"

Dick nodded slowly.

Roy sighed, "Where am I gonna get $50?"

Tim sobbed from the pavement.

Dick laughed, "That was… incredible."

"Sure," Roy frowned.

Wally got up, "I feel so dirty…"

"Yeah, me too," Dick smirked.

Tim sniffed quietly. Dick looked at the kid scrunched up on the floor, "You good, Tim?"

"No."

"I'm sorry."

Roy rested his head on the cushion of the lawn chair, "There's no way in hell I'm gonna be able to go on any patrols tonight."

"Me either," Dick and Wally echoed.

"Wally, you didn't even get hit," Dick complained.

"Yeah, but I don't trust my eyes. I need a doctor."

"Big baby," Roy grumbled.

"Well maybe if you hadn't said anything about your… dick being swollen and hadn't intrigued me to look we wouldn't be in this situation with my eyes."

"Piss off," Roy grinned.

Dick laughed, "How about we got move our injured party into the living room? Selina isn't home and we could hack the porn channel."

Wally glared at Dick, "I can't do that, and you know it."

"That's why I offered it," Dick grinned.

Bruce walked out onto the patio and stared at the two redheads, "Why are you on my property?"

"Nice, Bruce," Dick grumbled.

"You guys always end up burning down a room or breaking something."

Dick sighed, "I don't know what to tell you."

Bruce loosened his tie, "I just got home from work, go get me a beer."

"Should you be drinking?" Dick asked.

"Don't question me. I had a crappy assed day."

Dick sighed and got up and shuffled to the kitchen to get his dad a beer.

Bruce sat down in Dick's vacant lawn chair, "What's wrong with Tim?"

"We broke him," Roy explained.

"Huh. Why do you have two ice packs?"

"We played tennis."

"Oh. Did you guys bring Alfred into it?"

"Yes."

"Bad idea, right?"

"Very."

"Everyone always learns too late," Bruce smirked.

Dick hobbled back out and handed the beer to Bruce. He limped over to Roy and sat down between his legs on the chair.

"What'd with the leg, Dick?"

"Tennis incident."

"Huh. You gonna be good for patrol tonight?"

"No."

Bruce smirked and popped open the beer, "You say that now."

Dick crossed his arms and didn't reply.

Bruce nudged Tim with his foot, "Tim, you alright?"

"Do I look alright?" Tim snarled.

"Why are your broken?"

"I looked at Roy."

Bruce simpered, "You looked at Roy and you broke?"

"I'm not that ugly," Roy sulked.

"No," Tim rasped, "I looked at his dick and went blind again."

Bruce spit out his beer, "You did what?"

Roy rubbed his neck uncomfortably, "Ow…"

Bruce stared at Roy, "What the hell!"

"I can explain," Dick interjected.

"No, I don't want to hear it from you," Bruce growled jabbing a finger at Dick.

Wally stood up and rubbed his bruise, "I should uh probably get home."

"Me too," Roy mumbled, slowly getting up.

Bruce pinched the bridge of his nose, "Is this what you guys do?"

Dick sighed, "Not all the time, no."

"Huh," Bruce replied.

Dick stood up next to Roy and Wally.

"Where'd I go wrong with you?" Bruce asked.

"I don't remember," Dick shrugged, grinning.

Bruce slouched down in his seat.

Dick grabbed Wally and Roy's arms and led them into the house away from the patio before Bruce lost it and began throwing things.

Bruce closed his eyes and looked up to the sky, "You gonna patrol tonight, Tim?"

"Yeah, I guess."

Bruce exhaled slowly and watched the barely moving boy on the stone patio.

"How did Roy stack up?" Bruce asked.

Tim let out a quiet sob and buried his hands over his ears.

Bruce grinned and gave Tim a small nudge with his foot, "Some day you'll do the same thing. It's a dominance thing. I did it. I'm sure Alfred even did it."

Tim whimpered, "No…"

Bruce pulled himself out of the chair and bent down to rub Tim's shoulder, "You'll be fine."

Tim sniveled.

"Go get ready for patrol."

FIN


End file.
